“He’s a nice guy. So nice.” We hear this sort of thing often, and I personally find it to be the most meaningless statement one can make. What are we saying here? I have no idea, and it is exceedingly perplexing to me how often this empty phrase is used to describe people. I have used it myself, and often it is because I have nothing meaningful to say about a person. It is the personality equivalent of “how’s it going?” This phrase was once an inquiry about a person’s well being. Now it is a bizarre form of “hello.” What is going on with the English language here?

More to the point, why do we think saying that someone is nice represents a compliment? We all seem to think that being a nice person is a positive character trait. We like nice people. They are trustworthy and honest, and they are unlikely to treat you badly for their own purposes. We do not like being taken advantage of, and nice people don’t do this sort of thing. Using people for your own ends is regarded as a failure of ethical conduct, and nice people seem to be those who are unlikely to treat others this way.

It seems, then, that we like nice people because they treat us like human beings, rather than pawns in their game of personal advancement. As such, many of us aspire to be nice people. I know I do. And I think this quality is best captured by certain ethical standards, such as treating people as ends in themselves, being respectful of others, and respecting peoples’ autonomy. These are positive qualities that seem to capture what we are looking for when we describe someone as “nice.” But is it possible to be “too nice?”

Any nice person has certainly felt the sting of being taken advantage of. This is the risk that one always runs in being nice. A crafty jerk can always manipulate the nice person for their own benefit because they are not limited by any self-imposed ethical constraints on how they treat others. Jerks do what they want, without regard for who they harm. Their goal is to get ahead, and the nice person represents a perfect patsy for their egoistic strivings.

Thus, the nice person is compelled to be nice, but not too nice. This is something of an ethical issue, in that one is inclined to place limits on their accommodation of others, so as to avoid being harmed by one who is not so ethically motivated. This is frustrating for the nice person, who would prefer to live in a world where their niceness is revered, appreciated, and hopefully reciprocated. What a world we would live in if everyone was nice.

Sadly, not everyone is nice, and the nice person actually has a moral obligation to limit his or her own niceness. If one is indiscriminately nice, the ego-centered jerk can make undeserved strides toward their goal, which just pisses everyone off and facilitates a gross reduction in overall human kindness. People get upset when those who don’t play by the rules win the game, and it makes people less willing to be accommodating to others, even when it is justified. People become fearful of being taken advantage of, and the best defense is to never be nice to others. Thus, the nice person, if he truly wishes to live in a world of mostly nice people, must limit his own niceness as to avoid being used by others.

About the Author

Eli Weber is a graduate student in Environmental Ethics and a Graduate Teaching Assistant at Colorado State University. He holds bachelor’s degrees in sociology and philosophy from Chapman University and currently lives in Fort Collins, Colorado with his wife Laura. He is a regular contributor to Mindful Source.

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